Any couple considering separation or divorce owes it to themselves to read the book before calling it quits on their marriage.

My two primary love languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service. Wick’s are Physical Touch and Quality Time. The funny thing is, both of us score a zero for the language of Receiving Gifts! We’ll be able to keep it cheap!

Expectations: The wife might always pack her husband’s lunch. So, the husband begins to expect it. Over time, he forgets to appreciate it. Forgets to say thank you. She might begin to resent the fact that she takes the time to pack his lunch and he doesn’t show her any respect or appreciation. It’s an easy trap to fall into.

It is a big part of Wick’s and my relationship that we show each other respect — on a daily basis. We listed our gifts and abilities in the exercise and found that we agreed on many attributes about ourselves and each other.

For the wife who likes her family to drop in:
We agree with the husband. It is rude and inconsiderate for her family members to show up unannounced. The wife needs to realize she is in a partnership and her family is not priority #1 any longer.

Husband buys truck:
There should be no major purchases made without the other spouse knowing (regardless of a couple’s financial situation). We have talked about setting an agreed-upon dollar amount that each individual can spend outside of the other spouse’s knowledge. That amount shouldn’t impact the couple’s ability to pay their bills. (However, I didn’t complain when Wick came home with a Cadillac!

Baby:
It’s common that after a couple gets married, whether or not they talked about and agreed on kids before marriage, disagreements can happen about timing, number of kids, or whether they adhere to their earlier decision about it. If the husband wants to wait a little longer and the wife is adament to start soon to have a family, he may resent the pressure she puts upon him to have children now. He also may not actively participate in child rearing (midnight feedings!) and she will bear the majority of caring for the child. Again, communication is key.

Old hangouts:
When you get married you should want to have a life partner that is your #1 priority. Not being willing to give up going to what the wife deems as an “uncomfortable environment” (bars, clubs, etc.) is not respecting and honoring to her. Putting yourself in an environment with old buddies, that might include alcohol or other influences, could potentially harm your marriage.

Other couples’ problems:
A close friend of mine came to me one day and said she had friended an old college boyfriend on FaceBook. She said after chatting with him and talking to him on the phone, all those old feelings came back and they wanted to rekindle their relationship. However, she was married to a wonderful man for 26 years. I counseled her and talked to her almost daily convincing her that no amount of romance from 30 years earlier was possibly worth ruining her life, her husband’s life and her kids’ lives. Having seen many marriages crumble due to infidelity, I begged her to not go down that path. She had become bored with her husband and there was no longer a ‘spark,’ she said. I suggested she come up with romantic ideas that she could surprise her husband with to bring the spark back to their lives. She perservered, managed to stay away from the old college flame, brought the spark back to her marriage and today (three years later) they are happier than they have been in years.

All of our advice boils down to respect and communication.

Family dropping by: He thinks its rude and inconsiderate for them to drop by without notice, he didn’t say it was rude for them to drop by period. Everyone has a cell phone these days and a quick call is so easy to make. Is there any real consequence to asking someone to call before they come over? You wouldn’t want them to stop by when you’re not home or stop by when you’re on your way out the door to an appointment would you?

Bought a new truck without talking to her: His action was just plain disrespectful. You’re a team of two now. He was selfish because he completely cut her out of the equation. Now they need to work together and come up with a way to move forward. If they keep the truck they need to crunch some numbers or they need to make some other sacrifices.

Having a baby: Where is his timeline coming from? Are they younger than his parents were when they started a family? Does he not feel financially stable yet and he’s worried about having another mouth to feed? Does he want to be more established in his career? Do they currently rent an apartment and he wants to own a house before starting a family? There’s probably an underlying insecurity or instability behind his wanting to wait. They have to get to the root of why he wants to wait.

Old hangouts: They’re old for a reason. Your life is constantly changing and chances are those old hangouts have changed as well. Your reasons for going to those hangouts probably aren’t the same anymore and the experience isn’t going to be the same either. What are you trying to hang onto, your buddies or the establishment? Are these old hangouts from your single days? If so, how do they fit into your life now? Your buddies should be your buddies no matter where you hang out. If the old places make her uncomfortable there is no shortage of places where you can hang out and connect with your friends.