Page Highlights: conflict management principles you can print out and keep at hand while you work through other exercises
Before beginning any premarital preparation work, it’s a good idea to spend some time learning some basic communication skills for conflict management.
Principles for Effective Marriage Communication
1. Just know that communication takes time.
Commit to take the time now & throughout your marriage to communicate. It is the lifeblood of your relationship.
If you don’t find that you doing it naturally on a regular basis, then schedule just like you would a vacation.
A lack of communication in relationships is often the reason given by couples for a decline in their marriage. Don’t let it happen to you.
2. Truly listen to each other, without judgment.
Test your understanding by repeating back in your own words what you hear your partner say. This is a simple technique that professional counselors sometimes use to make certain couples are listening and understanding each other.
3. Honestly express your thoughts & feelings to your partner.
On the other side, be ready to accept what your partner says. That’s different from agreeing, but it’s vital that couples accept each others thoughts – otherwise the one that is not accepted may shut down. Not a good thing for the long term.
4. Remember that every relationship has conflicts.
To start with as John Gray’s book title suggests men are from Mars and women are from Venus! So…
When you have a conflict:
- Deal with it. Often resolving differences is a process over a period of time. But unresolved issues do not go away. Resentments can build over the years.
- Control your anger. Anger & other defensive tactics shut off communication. You may need to take a walk & delay discussing something. But do come back to it.
- Clearly define the problem. Specify how each of you may contribute to the problem or the difficulty in resolving the issue.
- Brainstorm possible solutions. Decide, and if necessary, negotiate a mutually agreeable solution. Then put it to the test.
- Stay committed. In most cases, people can resolve their differences. When you do, it will give you confidence that problems don’t have to defeat you. Your relationship will be stronger & you will feel more secure in it.
- Seek outside help if needed. If you hit a snag, sometimes having a third party to give feedback and direction can be helpful. Contact a minister or other trained helper for guidance. You may find communication skills workshops and even more intense offerings on how to resolve conflict in marriages offered by churches or from other community services. There are deeper emotional issues that can require professional therapy.
